This week has flown by. Tomorrow will mark two weeks of being in the land. In many ways it feels like it should be 2 years. But mostly I still feel like a foreigner. The truth is, there have been a lot of difficulties since we’ve arrived. Sickness, fatigue, jet lag, exhaustion, emotional meltdowns…the whole gamut.
The hardest thing for me has been our boys. My Eli is the sweetest natured little butterball, always smiling and happy unless he has reason not to be and extremely easy going. Since we arrived, he has been so upset, will barely eat anything and extremely clingy with me. Isaiah has a short fuse, he is easily frustrated and easily loses his cool. Don’t get me wrong, they are still a delight and we have had a lot of sweet moments, but so far this has not been an easy transition for them.
Tonight as I was putting them to bed I began to say our nigh nigh prayers and I began to cry, which is not unusual. For some reason when I put the boys to bed my heart is incredibly tender and I almost always cry when I pray for them or read bible stories with them. Anyway, I began to cry and I asked the Lord for grace, as I always do. But tonight it dawned on me, His grace is covering us right this very moment. It is upholding us, surrounding us, enfolding us and keeping us. And then it provoked the question, “What if it wasn’t?” You see, I often ask Him for grace as if I haven’t touched it yet or felt it yet, but tonight I thought, “What if the grace that has been given to us was removed, right now, or even just slightly withheld for a moment?” I all of a sudden became so incredibly grateful for the grace that was already present in my life. Instead of begging Him for more, I, in that moment, felt like I could actually see the odious amounts of grace that were already oozing all over us. Even now as I’m writing this I just feel so humbled. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I feel so very weak. My humanity is continually failing me and falling short. But to think about what it would be like, what it would feel like if His kindness wasn’t towards me right now, that His smile wasn’t over me, that His tender hand wasn’t upholding me?
99% of my day, I feel nothing. I am unaware of His nearness or His delight in me. I feel numb and I just hope to make it through the day. However, I know that His grace is covering me simply because His Word says it is and He promises that He gives it in our time of need and that it is sufficient in every circumstance of life and every season of the soul. He promised, therefore it is.
But tonight as I prayed, it was as if He opened my eyes and when He did, it wasn’t that He let me feel all those things that I long to feel, He just allowed me to consider and think upon a life where those things didn’t exist, the promise of them, the gift of them being there even when I can’t hear, see, smell or feel them, and the condition I would be in if they didn’t.
So tonight, I don’t want to ask Him for more as if He isn’t already richly lavishing it upon me because if He wasn’t I litteraly wouldn’t be able to stand under the weight of darkness. I would crumble and die and that is not an exaggeration, all of us would! I am so very thankful for His unseen and seemingly unfelt grace that keeps me from so much folly and harm and keeps my way upright and my feet steady. I am so very thankful for the kindness He bestows on me every moment of every day. I am so thankful that He is so incredibly faithful and has never left His post at my heart. He is a good, good God and I love Him.
I will end on one of those sweet moments that I had or have with Isaiah. He loves to read his Jesus Story Book Bible (thanks Joel and Katherine!) and lately when we look through the pictures he asks what everyone’s name is – he’s quite satisfied with all of my answers but every time, and I mean every time, we get to Jesus he says to me “What’s his name?” and I reply with “That’s Jesus” and he says to me “No, that’s God”. And every time he says it, I say “You are absolutely right, Isaiah.” I am so thankful every time I hear those words come out of his mouth. I don’t know where he got it from, I’m sure I’ve told him before that Jesus is God, but never deliberately while reading stories. I don’t know if he knows how profound what he is saying is, especially in the area that we are living in when so many just believe he was another prophet. My prayer is that this will be the message that marks my son’s life. That he will grow up proclaiming the truth that Jesus is God in the flesh and that He is coming again in that same Jewish body that He came in the first time. But He’s not just a man, He is THE God Man.
“He’s not just a teacher, He’s not one of many, He’s the very Son of God…”
P.S. I will try and get some pictures up here soon. I know that’s what most of you are wanting! You just have to put up with my ramblings until then! 🙂