Here we are, finishing up 2012 and ringing in 2013, and I’m already dropping the ball in the blog department. Sigh. I guess it was inevitable.
Usually when this day of the year rolls around, you know, the very last one, I feel significance mounting up of things that the Lord has whispered or shouted in the previous year and expectations of what it looks like for those things to be fulfilled in the year ahead. This year, it just feels like any other day. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t taken the time to stop and reflect or what.
Something I have battled with for many, many years…if I’m honest as far back as I can remember…are my emotions. My emotions are like this extremely sensitive thermometer that reacts to even the most subtle changes of temperature or weather. It goes crazy. Even when my parents tell me stories of when I was a baby…there wasn’t much middle ground for me, I was happy or I was sad, none of this mediocre business for me. There have been times when I have absolutely hated this aspect of myself and wished that I were different. Then there have been moments when I love my ability to feel things intensely and deeply.
Why am I taking you on this emotional exploration of my soul you ask? Well, I guess it’s because as I think back to the time and attention and emotion that I put into reflecting on the year past and the year to come every new years I wonder, today as I feel very little at all, how much of it was Spirit wrought emotion and how much of it was flesh? I feel like as a human, I like things to be significant…I like to be significant. I don’t want to lead a dull and boring life. I want to feel important and feel like I am a part of something important. And so therefore New Years becomes a time of what could be, for me, emotional hype. It’s my tendency.
Now hear me, I am not saying that reflection and deliberate looking forward with expectancy and faith is a bad thing or is fake and emotional hype. No, I’m not saying that at all. What I’m saying is…it might be for me…personally. Sure, elements of it were good and helpful and blessed by the Lord. But I also think it was laced with my need and desire to feel significant and important and hyping myself up for things to seem bigger than perhaps they actually were.
So I guess what I’m feeling right now, at the end of this year and the beginning of the next, is a desire for authentic, born of the Spirit and not of the flesh, revelation of my significance not wrapped up in what prophetic words I may have heard spoken over me in the previous year or my expectations of the awesome and wondrous fire works show that I believe the Lord is mounting up and may just unleash it this next year but in the simple and yet incredible and endlessly profound truth that I am a daughter.
I am a part of the family of God. A phrase that has become religious rhetoric that never should have. It’s lost its meaning and has lost its weight because it has become all to familiar and ordinary. That is no ordinary statement and it grieves me that it has become one in my life. God, the Eternal, Immortal, Just, Flawless, Perfect, Self Sufficient, Self Sustaining, Beautiful, Majestic, All Powerful, King of Kings and Lord of Lord’s has adopted me, filthy, wretched, guilty, lost, confused, needy, no good within myself, bad, filled with hate, rebellious, disrespectful, dishonoring, mean, a prisoner to sin, me. He has brought me into His family and made me His own. He has covered me in the blood of His Son, washed me clean, put on garments of praise for my spirit of heaviness, called me by a new name and made me His forever.
The truth is, this hasn’t defined me in my own life yet. It hasn’t. There are far too many other things that define me and make me feel important. And all those things, they aren’t bad and they aren’t sinful. And many of them are more than likely gifts from Him to display His love for me. The Father doesn’t look upon me with disappointment in His heart. But I do believe there is still so much more freedom to be claimed and liberation to be had in the unlocking of my heart to the truth that I am a daughter of God. He loves me, provides for me, is committed to me, is patient with me, longsuffering with me and absolutely without reservation adores me.
I can’t tell you how badly I want my life to be utterly disrupted from its day-to-day activity with this revelation. I want to be bound up, consumed by, and defined by the love of the Father.
So, I guess that’s my New Years resolution. To set myself on this journey or exploration of the love that is wrapped around me like a blanket as we speak, covering me and keeping me, and have it radically transform me. That when I look back on 2013 I would be able to say “I have tasted and I have seen and I will never be the same again.”
“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” John 3:1